Philautia - The Art of Self-Love
“Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” - John Keating
Understanding Self-Love
When we hear the term "self-love," many of us have an instinctive reaction. Some associate it with narcissism, vanity, or selfishness—a worldview where personal needs always take precedence over others. Images of a self-absorbed individual demanding admiration or a child throwing a tantrum when denied their desires may come to mind.
On the other end of the spectrum, many struggle with a lack of self-compassion, low self-esteem, and an inability to see their own worth. Some feel as though they are never successful, attractive, or accomplished enough to deserve love, leaving them in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction.
Striking a Balance
How, then, does one find balance? How do we navigate between self-indulgence and self-neglect? What happens when life alters us to the point where we no longer recognize ourselves? What do we do when our past actions seem inconsistent with who we believe we are?
The Foundation of Love
Aristotle believed that philautia, or self-love, is the foundation of all other forms of love. The way we view and treat ourselves directly influences our ability to love others. In American society, shaped in part by Judeo-Christian values, self-sacrifice is often seen as virtuous. The archetype of the caregiver, someone who endlessly gives to others, is widely respected.
However, when one remains in this role without proper self-care, burnout becomes inevitable. Overextending ourselves leads not only to exhaustion but also to resentment and frustration, ultimately diminishing our ability to give.
The Importance of Respite
In hospice and palliative care, there is a concept known as respite—the idea that in order to continue caring for others, we must first replenish ourselves. Investing in self-care ensures long-term sustainability in giving.
Dr. Jim Dahle, in his article on the 2 Keys to Happiness, suggests that happiness stems from being other-centered and lowering one's expectations. Striking a balance between giving and self-investment is crucial.
The Warren Buffett Dilemma
This concept brings us to what I call the Warren Buffett problem. Buffett has pledged to donate the majority of his wealth, choosing to give during his lifetime. By the time of his passing, he will have donated around $250 billion. However, if he had waited and let his wealth compound before donating in full, he could have given around $350 billion.
This raises an important question: Should one give immediately, or invest in oneself first to maximize later contributions? The truth is, there is no single right answer. What matters is finding an approach that aligns with personal values and circumstances. Either way, other people will have a strong opinion on the path you choose. Ignore them, they don’t know what’s best for you either.
Confidence Through Experience
Building confidence and self-worth comes from experience—putting in the work, facing challenges, and aligning actions with personal values. Identifying and addressing personal hypocrisy fosters self-respect. Engaging in situations that test our principles provides valuable insight into our true character.
There is often a significant gap between how we imagine we would act in a situation and how we actually respond under pressure. To bridge this gap, we must seek wisdom, embrace experience, and continuously refine our understanding of ourselves.
The Value of Investing in Yourself
Investing in oneself is not about selfishness; it is about cultivating the skills, knowledge, and emotional resilience needed to contribute meaningfully to others. For perfectionists, lowering self-expectations can be difficult, but learning to laugh at oneself and embrace failure as part of growth is essential.
By nurturing our own well-being, we create a stronger foundation from which to help others.
Embracing Grace
I believe we are all filled with an innate goodness, a divine spark waiting to be nurtured. Recognizing and amplifying this inner light allows us to be a blessing to those around us. If you ever reach a state of perfection, let me know. Until then, grant yourself grace—because, God knows, we all need it.
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