Disclaimer: I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on this article before publishing it. I know families dealing with addiction or self-destructive behaviors are facing an incredibly difficult challenge. When it comes to making decisions about your children or loved ones, I can't imagine a more emotionally charged topic. I don't have personal experience being married to someone with an addiction or having children who struggle with personality disorders. While I have been directly impacted by addiction and its potentially lethal consequences, I understand this doesn’t compare to what family members go through when addiction strikes close to home. As such, I don’t know if it’s even appropriate for me to be writing this article. If you have an alternate perspective or think I’m an idiot, feel free to let me know.
Addiction: A Challenge
Addiction is a sensitive and multifaceted issue. In the United States alone, around 110,000 lives were lost last year due to addiction. To better understand the dynamics of addiction, I draw a parallel to relationships with people who exhibit high-conflict personalities. Bill Eddy, in his book Five Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, discusses five major personality disorders—borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, and histrionic. These traits, found in approximately 14% of people, often create relationships that can be as challenging as those involving addiction.
Whether through addiction or toxic personalities, you're likely to encounter individuals who exhibit one or more of these behaviors. These individuals tend to engage in compulsive, short-term behaviors that provide instant gratification but have long-term negative consequences. Addiction, in this context, isn’t just about drugs—it's about anything that becomes a harmful obsession. This can include behaviors like excessive shopping, pornography, gaming, gambling, or even workaholism.
Unfortunately, addiction is on the rise across various forms. I believe this may be due, in part, to the immense societal pressures people are facing today—stress is high, social comparisons are constant, and there’s a pervasive belief that things should be easy. The truth, however, is that life is difficult for everyone, and not everything can or should be fast-tracked.
The Impact of Addiction: A Slow, Grieving Process
Addiction is not only a personal struggle for the individual involved; it profoundly affects their family and social circle. Similar to diseases like Alzheimer's, addiction often feels like you’re witnessing someone’s slow decline. The grieving process often begins long before physical death, as you watch the person you care about slowly change into someone you may not recognize.
While most people acknowledge that addiction is a problem, it’s often misunderstood as a flaw that can be overcome with willpower. Loving an addict can create codependent dynamics, where the desire to help can lead to enabling behaviors. Family members may sacrifice their own well-being, attempting to "save" a loved one who doesn't want to change. But there’s a saying: holding someone up from falling off a cliff for too long can result in both of you falling into the abyss.
The Dilemma of Helping an Addict
A question that has stayed with me for years, especially after reading Under the Bar by Dave Tate, is this: If you were an addict, what would you want someone to do for you? Should they set boundaries, walk away, or continue to try helping? Right now, my leanings are toward a more calloused approach—the “retreat to go forward” method. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is step back and let someone experience the full weight of their consequences. It’s painful to watch, but pain is often the catalyst for change. Some people may need to hit rock bottom to realize the gravity of their situation.
The Manipulative Cycle of Addiction
Addicts can be incredibly manipulative, and one of the most common tactics is threatening self-harm, often to maintain dependency on others. Even if you decide to walk away, there’s no guarantee they won’t latch onto someone else. Sadly, some addicts never reach the point where they feel the need to reflect on their behavior and say, “I need help.” They may continue to avoid facing their problem, often finding new safety nets before they’re forced to confront their addiction.
One harsh reality of addiction is that some people may never get a second chance. While mistakes are a natural part of being human, addiction often leads to irreversible consequences.
Setting Boundaries: The Importance of Following Through
Though there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with an addict, there is one piece of advice that rings true across all situations: setting clear boundaries is essential. If you decide to set a limit, you must be prepared to enforce it, no matter how hard it may be. Saying “no” to a loved one is incredibly difficult, but sometimes it’s necessary for both your own well-being and theirs.
Boundaries can help establish the necessary space for growth, but they only work if you’re willing to stick to them. The hardest part may be accepting the consequences of enforcing them.
Seeking Support
Addiction is a battle that no one should fight alone. If you’re dealing with an addict or someone with a personality disorder, I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. There are also support groups where you can connect with others who have walked a similar path. Learning from others who’ve faced these challenges can provide insight and guidance as you navigate your own journey.
Making a Decision: To Stay or Go
The most straightforward piece of advice I can offer is this: make a decision. Are you going to stay and continue trying to help, or are you going to walk away? You don’t have to stay in a state of uncertainty. Once you decide, commit to it. If you choose to stay, seek professional guidance and avoid remaining stuck in the middle ground. Sometimes, the best you can do is live and learn through experience.
By acknowledging the gravity of addiction and understanding the dynamics of codependent relationships, you can begin to make informed decisions that prioritize your well-being while navigating the complexities of loving someone struggling with addiction. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone, and help is available to both you and the person you care about.
If you're a patient going through this, I support you and pray for you and your family. May the addict find the peace that they are seeking.
Resources
The 1-2-3-4 of Overcoming Addiction, Obesity and Disease - Paul Chek
Co-Depndents Anonymous - Central Ohio
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