Parenting Pt IV: The Joy of Suffering
- Daniel Fosselman
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Parenting is one of the strangest callings in life.
It is exhausting, frustrating, ego-crushing…and at the same time, it is one of the greatest privileges you will ever experience.
Both things are true.
People are a lot like dogs. We are wired differently. Some kids are calm and compliant. Some are intense and explosive. Some are natural pleasers. Others are relentless negotiators. Some require very little guidance. Others require enormous energy, structure, and patience. These different temperaments can come from the same parents.
The assumption that we’re all built the same is false.
Throughout history, different traditions have tried to explain this diversity:
Astrology speaks of fire, air, earth, and water temperaments.
Hindu philosophy describes people as seekers of freedom, truth, productivity, or power.
The American Kennel Club classifies dogs as sporting, working, toy, herding — and my personal favorite — non-sporting (the ones that just don’t fit neatly anywhere).
Human beings are no different. Each child comes with a temperament. A wiring. A baseline.
Parenting is not about changing that wiring. It’s about shaping it without crushing it.
The Joy of Suffering
Growth is the joy hidden inside suffering.
There are only a few constants in life: birth, change, and death. Parenting sits squarely in the middle of that cycle.
There is something deeply meaningful about being needed. A small human depends on you. Your presence matters. Your voice matters. Your approval matters. For many parents, that dependence becomes a core part of identity.
But what happens when the cord must be cut?
If your entire identity is wrapped up in being needed, the child’s independence will feel like betrayal instead of success.
The goal is not lifelong dependence.The goal is eventual strength.
Children must grow up. They must make mistakes. They must experience consequences. If you don’t let them learn those lessons early, the world will teach them later — and the world is far less gentle.
The market doesn’t lie. Employers don’t love your children the way you do. Work is conditional: you provide value, and you’re compensated. If you don’t, you’re replaced.
That reality can feel harsh. But shielding a child from it doesn’t eliminate it. It only delays it.
The Selfish Phase
Everything with kids is a test.
They are incredibly perceptive. They will ask for things when you are tired. They will push when you have little energy to resist. And yes — they are selfish.
Not because they are bad.
Because their brains are unfinished.
The prefrontal cortex — the part responsible for long-term thinking, impulse control, and win-win reasoning — doesn’t fully mature until the mid-to-late 20s. Before that, most thinking is short-term and self-oriented.
That’s normal development.
Society does not reward chronic selfishness. Self-centered people struggle in relationships. They lose jobs. They face consequences. Most of us learned that lesson the hard way.
One of the most painful parts of parenting is watching your child repeat mistakes you made — knowing you cannot live their lessons for them.
The Beauty of Letting Them Try
And yet — all of this is beautiful.
When a child tries, fails, tries again, and finally succeeds — there is nothing like it.
Their imagination. Their presence. Their honesty. Their curiosity. The way they say exactly what they think. The way they exist almost entirely in the moment.
At some point, many adults lose that inner child — through pressure, fear, performance, or pain. Then we spend decades trying to get it back.
Children remind us of:
Freedom
Creativity
Curiosity
Honest emotion
The courage to try without certainty
Part of parenting is protecting that spirit long enough for it to mature — without letting it remain childish forever.
There are rules that govern society. There are consequences. There are expectations. You must function within those structures.
And at the same time, there is immense freedom in what you can create within those rules.
The tension is real: A child at home. A child at work. A soldier at home. A soldier at work.
Learning how to hold both.
The Hard Truth
Part of parenting is telling uncomfortable truths.
We haven’t fully learned how to “play nice in the sandbox” as adults. Bullies still exist. Some people lie, cheat, and steal. Some systems reward bad behavior. Not everything is fair.
Underneath most destructive behavior is fear — often an unresolved child in an adult body.
Your job is not to shield your child from all of that.
Your job is to build strength, discernment, and integrity — so they can navigate it without becoming it.
Parenting is suffering. Parenting is joy. Parenting is letting go.
And if you do it well, the very thing that once depended entirely on you will one day stand on its own.
That’s the win.
Three-Bullet Summary
Children are wired differently; effective parenting adapts to temperament without trying to erase it.
Growth requires discomfort — protecting children from every failure delays essential lessons.
The goal of parenting is not dependence but strength, integrity, and eventual independence.
Three Practical Takeaways
Parent the temperament, not the fantasy. Observe your child’s wiring. Adjust expectations and discipline style to fit who they are, not who you wish they were.
Allow age-appropriate failure. Let them experience small consequences now so they’re prepared for larger ones later. Rescue less. Coach more.
Protect curiosity while building responsibility.
Encourage imagination, creativity, and honesty — but pair them with structure, accountability, and contribution.
