Dog Days Pt I: Year in Review

Given that it's the dog days of summer, I’m putting out four “grab bag” articles—looser reflections on the past year.

The past year was challenging, but it was a good year. I wasn’t “happy” for most of it. The question that kept coming to mind was: “What needs to happen over the next year to make it a good one?”

Here are some of the key takeaways from the past year:

Death and Grieving

My grandparents were some of my best friends. I lost my grandfather Emil on Easter Sunday. Both he and his wife were Romanian, and they each died on Orthodox Easter—five years apart. Until five years ago, I was lucky enough to still have all of my grandparents. Losing the last one was the hardest. I’m not sure if it was because I was closer to him, or because of the finality of it all.

It felt like I was grieving the loss of his wife all over again. It was as if she had lived on through him, and with his passing, that connection to her disappeared too. I used to call him on my way home from drill, always trying to share something positive to break up the monotony of nursing home life.

For some reason, I still see my grandma’s face in my kids. They never got to know her, but seeing her in them gives me peace. I loved sitting next to him at family gatherings, and him not being there on my birthday hurt. 

He was a wonderful grandfather for me and my wife. He was a wonderful great-grandfather to our children. He was a good man and we miss him. 

Lesson: Love them while they’re here. Make the effort to see them. Even when they’re gone, you’ll keep seeing them in different ways.

Making Time – Weddings, Funerals, Bachelor Parties

Parenting brings a lot of guilt. Leaving your kids feels bad. Leaving your spouse feels bad—and they’ll both let you know it. One of the most enjoyable experiences of the past year was getting out to a national park for one of my good friends’ bachelor parties. Spending time with old friends in God’s creation was refreshing. The point being - in life there are trade offs. Sometimes it’s hard or inconvenient for family to be there for yourself and other people. Sometimes you should probably take care of yourself and people outside of your family. I don’t recommend doing this all of the time. 

There are certain events you should try to show up for—weddings, funerals, new babies, and times of need. Whether it’s a shared meal or a grand adventure, the experience matters.

Lesson: Make time to support the people you love. Show up, especially when it counts.

Retreat to Go Forward: The Stupid Tax, Clear Expectations, and Ego

Leaving two jobs in two years was tough. My last day at my first employer was on my birthday. The following year, I left my second job to start my own practice. Both of those decisions had a big financial impact. There's something called loss aversion bias, and taking a pay cut from a comfortable salary to $0 hurts a lot.

My wife—who is wiser than I am—often reminds me that both of those jobs were blessings. She’s right. I met and worked with some amazing people.

But I learned that starting a business from scratch is very different from joining an established organization. I made a fair share of mistakes.

This year was full of ego checks—and rightfully so. Marriage, parenting, work, workouts, jiu-jitsu, friendship, family—all of them tested me. I’m lucky to have a life full of training partners who hold me accountable in their own ways.

One of the biggest ego checks came during a coaching call with a mentor. One line from my daily prayer is: “God, please fill me with your light and help me share it with others. Help me be a transformational leader.” And there I was, complaining about being given the very opportunity I had prayed for.

Lessons:

• Past returns do not predict future results.

• Keep the main thing the main thing: For my practice, that means providing high-quality primary care. In my life, I need to ensure I’m focused on faith and family.

Shifting Priorities

People tend to prioritize what they care about. I’ve loved lifting since I was a teenager. I still love working out, but time has become the bottleneck, and progress is slower than it used to be. That may have something to do with being past my prime—but I still feel 13, so it’s hard to accept that possibility.

The things that took a back seat this year were training, faith, and my military commitment. My top three priorities were kids, spouse, and work.

My hope is to do better this year of keeping my priorities in the right order. I’ve always done my best thinking when I can step away and reflect—and I didn’t carve out enough time for that kind of deep work.

Lesson: You become what you practice. If your life doesn’t align with your values, make corrections early.