Mental Health Pt IV: Control

Playing God and the Illusion of Control

One of the most common causes of mental distress is trying to control the uncontrollable—especially other people. This tendency often surfaces in the relationships that matter most: with spouses, children, or close family. The other is financial sources and people try to control their place of employment. When a person works within a large, bureaucratic system and lacks decision-making authority, they may also feel powerless in their day-to-day life. These circumstances breed disappointment, resentment, and the frustration of unmet expectations. The root emotion for both is often fear. Fear that family members will hurt themselves, fear that they’ll make the same mistakes that we did, fear that we will never have enough, fear that something catastrophic will happen even when the probabilities of such events are low. 

The other area that people play God is through Judgement. Labeling other people and making generalized statements about if someone is God or Bad. Professions like Law and Medicine are paid to provide judgement and sometimes this makes it harder to detach when not in a workplace environment. This tendency is also common in executives. If your perception of power is brought home and you’re used to people doing as you say, it can be frustrating outside of the organization to not have your orders followed. 

The Futility of Controlling Others

Attempting to control another person is, at its core, an attempt to assert power over them. While this might be possible in rigid hierarchies—such as the military or certain workplace settings—modern American life increasingly lacks clear deference to authority. Respect for elders, professionals, and subject matter experts has eroded with the rise of skepticism and individualism. In this void, many seek guidance from “gurus” or influencers, who often offer simplicity and certainty in a complex world.

Trying to “play God” means attempting to manipulate the people and conditions around you. While this may be effective with inanimate objects, it rarely works with sentient beings—especially those who possess free will. It's hard enough to motivate yourself to change, let alone someone else. If personal growth is already a challenge, the odds of reshaping another person’s behavior are even slimmer.

On Love, Work, and War 

In co-dependent relationships, the drive to control often masquerades as love. True unconditional love means accepting others as they are—even when they don’t meet our expectations. This isn’t easy, especially when you care deeply. But it’s essential for a healthy connection. Love them as they are. One of the more popular books currently is Mel Brooks Let Them. This theory is just repeating the mantra to let people do as they wish and was very beneficial for her own mental health. 

Most work relationships, by contrast, are conditional. You meet agreed-upon expectations, you get paid, and everyone is satisfied. But in our personal lives, seeking transactional dynamics where unconditional love is more appropriate often leads to disappointment.

I don’t have the answer if the standards you hold in the workplace environment should be the same as they should be at home. When it comes to family we tend to offer more grace. Whereas in work and war the outcome alone is the priority. The goal of war is to break the will of your opposition and I generally don’t think this is a reasonable goal when dealing with other people. 

Distance or Ownership: A Healthier Approach

When facing control-related struggles, two paths typically present themselves:

1. Create Distance – Step back from situations or relationships that consistently harm you, especially when change isn’t possible.

2. Take Ownership – Focus your energy where you do have influence: your mindset, your choices, your health, and your goals.

Starting your own business, prioritizing your well-being, or reclaiming time from draining commitments are all ways to reclaim control. The key is to invest energy where you have agency—not where you're repeatedly met with resistance or disempowerment.

Trying to manipulate loosely committed relationships, fix others who aren't seeking help, or change systems you don’t own is often futile. These efforts consume enormous mental energy while producing minimal returns.

A Personal Reflection

I confronted this dynamic during medical residency. I cared deeply about my patients—often more than they seemed to care about themselves. This led to over-functioning, unmet expectations, and emotional burnout. A monk once advised me: “Be the light for others.” That is, focus on embodying what you believe in rather than trying to change others. Like all things, this is a lifelong practice.

I've learned: If you stop giving unsolicited advice, you also stop being frustrated when it’s ignored. If you’re sick, exhausted, or depleted because you’ve given too much of yourself, that’s a sign to pause. Rest. Refocus. If possible, outsource what drains you. If not, eliminate what’s non-essential and conserve your limited energy for what truly matters.

Weakness

I'm a fan of strength. I like being strong - socially, intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The risk with all of this things is the allure of power. In the context of this article a lack of control implies disempowerment. The delineation may be that between self control and control of others. Self-control may be the real strength. Controlling impulsive behaviors including limiting our ability to try to control other people is not easy. This may be the practice that is most important in our own lives. Control ourselves (our thoughts, our intention, & our actions), and role modeling the behaviors we want to see may be the most important things. While we learn to love others by listening and letting them be who they really are.

A Word About These Writings

One of my patients once told me that these articles seem like they’re written more for me than for others. He was absolutely right. These are reflections—documented thoughts, not doctrine. They evolve with experience, context, and evidence. They are not absolute truths, and they’re not meant to be.

Practical Application

• Stop giving unsolicited advice – You'll reduce frustration and preserve energy by only offering help when it's asked for. This prevents unnecessary emotional investment in others' choices.

• Eliminate or delegate draining obligations – If something consistently drains your energy and can be outsourced, do it. If not, consider cutting it out entirely to protect your mental health and focus on what matters.

• Invest in areas where you have control – Start your own projects, take charge of your health, and make decisions aligned with your values. Redirect energy from trying to change others toward building the life you want.