Mental Health Pt II: Normal

What Is “Normal” from a Mental Health Perspective?

What does it mean to be normal—psychologically, emotionally, behaviorally? Interestingly, this is not explicitly defined in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Instead, the DSM focuses on identifying traits and patterns that deviate from what's considered functional or adaptive in response to life stressors. But here's the truth: the vast majority of people experience anger, sadness, anxiety, despair, and fear—sometimes all before 7 a.m. if you have young kids at home, like I do.

Normal Is Relative

This brings us to a broader point: normal is relative. Cultural norms shape what is considered acceptable thought and behavior. For example, the idea that all human life holds equal value—equality—is a largely Judeo-Christian ideal. Many societies throughout history (and even today) operate based on hierarchies—racial, economic, ethnic, and religious. In modern America, I’d argue the dominant hierarchy is economic, although remnants of other systems persist.

So, when we talk about mental health, we often assume that being "healthy" is normal. But in practice, a consistently healthy, stable mind is rare. Most people experience fluctuations in their sense of well-being. Even the most grounded individuals are not immune to the emotional waves of life.

One of my favorite sayings goes:

“Think you’ve achieved enlightenment? Go spend a few days with your parents.” Even spiritual maturity has its limits when tested by real-world dynamics.

Perception and Projection

What’s normal to you? Many of us assume that others have it better. This comparison—driven by unmet expectations—can distort our sense of reality. We imagine that if we were dealt someone else’s hand, we’d do better. But these beliefs often reflect fantasy, not objective truth.

We also live in a time where victimhood is valorized. Some people define their identity by how hard their path has been compared to others. On the flip side, there's the belief that "someone always has it worse," which invalidates our own pain. These contradictory thoughts can alternate as we process challenges.

Development, Culture, and Social Norms

People change across their lifespan. A toddler throwing tantrums in public and lacking bladder control is normal. At what point does that same behavior become “abnormal”? This is where developmental expectations come in. Society tends to define normalcy based on age-appropriate behavior—any deviation outside the 95% range may be labeled “abnormal,” for better (giftedness) or worse (pathology).

Humans are social beings. We conform to peer norms. If your social circle talks about mental health, you’re more likely to reflect on your own. But peer comparison can cut both ways: people criticize those doing “too well” or “too poorly.”

Shifting Standards and Collective Trauma

Qualities once admired in the elderly—personal pride, self-sufficiency, and life-earned wisdom—are less emphasized in today’s culture. That’s not surprising, given the societal backdrop of the past few decades:

• The 2008 financial crisis

• Two decades of war in the Middle East

• COVID-19 and its far-reaching effects

• Political polarization

• Widespread institutional distrust

This isn’t necessarily paranoia—it’s a rational response to lived experience.

Declining Literacy, Growing Isolation

Meanwhile, fewer Americans are reading books. Fewer are engaging in meaningful, in-person conversations. Social media, while designed to connect us, often results in superficial validation rather than genuine connection. Ironically, as access to information has exploded, perspective has narrowed.

So what is “normal” today?

Divorced. Overweight. Living paycheck to paycheck. Struggling with chronic health conditions. Socially isolated. Not exercising. Not reading.

If that’s the current average, I have no interest in being normal.

Choosing Your Version of Hard

Life is hard. It’s hard to stay consistent, stay present, and keep learning and adapting. But the alternative—checking out—is arguably harder. Apathy leads to disconnection, stagnation, and lack of opportunity.

You have a choice. You can pick your version of “hard.” One opens doors. The other closes them.

Practical Application: 

Define your own version of “normal” – Instead of measuring yourself against societal averages or peer comparisons, reflect on what a healthy, meaningful, and sustainable life looks like for you. Use personal values—not social media or cultural expectations—as your baseline.

Choose your version of “hard” intentionally – Life will be difficult whether you actively engage in growth or passively drift. Opt for the “hard” that leads to better outcomes: consistent effort, relationship investment, ongoing learning, and self-care.

Seek out people who share your values – If you don’t want to follow the standard path, surround yourself with others who are also striving to live intentionally and differently. This helps reduce feelings of isolation and reinforces healthier habits.